Mama Done Lost Her Mind

Happy 4th of July!!

I know a lot of us struggle with the noise this time of year. I still have the Thomas the Tank Engine theme song blaring in my head from when I played it full blast for three hours on a 4th of July many years ago. Ollie does much better with all of that now, but I am thinking of those of you who are having a particularly hard time today with all the hooplah, noise, and unpredictability. I feel ya. ❤

I was going to change the title of this post, since I found it. I found my mind hiding somewhere between getting more than 4 hours of sleep and enjoying a morning cup of coffee…but that was not before a LOT of chaos and discombobulation. I seriously could not have been in more of a tizzy, than I was a couple of days ago. I can write about it now…because, going back to perspective, things don’t seem quite as bad once you’ve gotten through them.

I’m not trying to beat myself up, quite the contrary, I’m thinking that I am not alone in this, and that it’s high time somebody admit to not always having it together. 🙂 So here, in front of everyone, I am going to admit it. I don’t know what the heck I’m doing 3/4 of the time. 🙂

I promised myself that whenever I sit down to write, that I would be honest. That means the good, and the not so super-cali-fraga-listic-oh-whatever-dos-is. 😉 I promised myself that, and man do I feel like breaking that promise right now.

Two days ago, I went to refill Ollie’s medication. He had gone through his month supply on a Sunday, so Monday I went in to pick up his refill, which was called in on time (Yay me, for being on top of things!! 😉 ) and was surprised to learn that his insurance would not cover a refill for 8 more days. What?!! How could this happen?! I blamed the insurance, the health care system, the solar storms, you name it. 🙂 What actually happened, was that the medicine that had run out, was from the month prior, and there were two full bottles of his medicine, unopened, somewhere in behind my locked bedroom door.

When he is on his medication, Ollie is calm and focused, not prone to outbursts or physical fighting. Two days without, however, is a different story. Impulse control…gone. Appetite…ravenous. I could live with that, no problem…but he doesn’t like that “out of control” feeling. It’s a little scary for me, too.

I have been doing too much, lately–and I could not, for the life of me, think of where I might have put it. (One thing that is ingrained is safety, so I know I would not have just left it out on the counter somewhere.)

However, I guess I should mention at this point, since we’re being honest here, that I have a spinal cord injury from a botched epidural when I had my youngest kiddo. The details don’t really matter, but I get worn out easily, and pain is not the joyous adventure it’s made out to be. 🙂

My biggest fear is that someone would think I can’t take care of Ollie because of it. So, sometimes I over do just a bit. I had dropped the ball. I was devastated. “What kind of mother would….” ran through my head over and over again. I know it is not a rational fear. I am a good momma, but most fears aren’t rational, now, are they?

The pharmacy was able to give me 7 day supply, if I paid cash for it. The biggest surprise is not that they told me this the day before payday, but that they only charged me for two days, and I would pay the rest after the holiday. If we are honest with our doctors and pharmacists, and let them into our world a bit, you’d be surprised at what a team for your kiddo you get!! 🙂

I found the medicine in a drawer that I had check three times. THREE TIMES!! I had gone from someone breaking into our house, going into my bedroom and stealing the medicine, (the thing is, my room always looks like it had just been ransacked, I was going for the “shabby chic” look, but it took a very wrong turn!) to dropping it or accidentally throwing it away because of the whole “just ransacked” vibe I carry with me. I called the pharmacy, and explained what happened, but I still owed them for the extra medicine. That’s fair. And more importantly, it’s a valuable lesson that I think I’ll remember.

Suffice to say, all is calm here now. It is the 4th of July, and as we celebrate our Independence, I am forever grateful for the freedoms that we have….even if that is the freedom to mess up royally, sometimes! Hug your loved ones, and if you aren’t near any family or friends….put out your arms….there. A big hug from me.

Til next time,

Autismom

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